Dear Steve and Shirley, I am a 30-year-old single parent and my mother is currently residing with me. The problem is the time frame ... it has been nine years. At first I told myself that I needed to help her because she was with my step-father who was abusive. I have an older brother that doesn't want anything to do with her and he has his reasons not to. My mother is almost 60 and she finally got away from my step-father and I was there to pick up the pieces. Since then, I have been trying to help her, but now I just feel used. She doesn't help me with bills in the house and she uses my vehicle whenever she feels like it and comes back days later. She goes out at least three times a week, maybe more. I have furnished an apartment for her that she doesn't even stay in and her excuse is, "I don't have transportation." It has gotten to the point where she has washed one of her homeless boyfriend's clothing at my house. That was the last straw! I love my mother dearly and all I want is to see her do well, like she was before she got involved with my stepfather. I know that we should honor our parents, but what should I do? Signed, a caring daughter.
Wow, that explains why your mom stayed in an abusive relationship. She doesn't want to fend for herself so she chose abuse over independence. Your mom was just hitting 50 when she moved in with you. She could have picked up a trade and been gainfully employed by now. She has had more than enough time to get back on her feet. But she is too comfortable being your dependent now. She was probably your step-father's dependent too and you took over where he left off. Not that I am condoning his abuse, but he probably got sick of her like you are now. I know many self-absorbed mothers like her. The child becomes the adult because the mom is so irresponsible. Now she is trying to guilt-trip you into buying her a car. Don't do it! A car is not a necessity; it is a luxury. You've done more than enough for her already. It is time for you to release your mom, and tell her to let go of your bra strap and be an adult. You should be learning from her and sucking up her wisdom, not vice versa. Pack up whatever things your mom has at your house, take her to her nicely furnished apartment, help her get unpacked, then get in your car BY YOURSELF and drive away. Tell her that you love her and that you will see her on your next visit.
VOLTAIRE
45
Albany, GA - WMRZ 98.1 FM
Lady, quite frankly all you people that try to throw God under the bus by quoting the Bible every time you get into a situation that requires grown up solutions. Stop entertaining your mothers insecurities and allow her to finally grow up and take responsibility for her life. Don't wait another day before you began to end the pitiful set-up. Dismantle her apartment, take back your keys and get an order of eviction from your place. In 39 days she'll either wake up or start the long process of self preservation. She is using you and you kindness - your brother, regardless of the reason is very smart and you need to emulate his attitude.your mother needs a huge dose of reality, your decade long of structured help has crippled her to the point that she has no, absolutely no adult survival skill, but she is old enough to develop them immediately, if she's give the challenge. Yes, I know it's tough love BUT she will never learn anything if you continue your generosity and your ignorance of her problem. I can't get over the almost week long use of your vehicle and you not react with some threats of taking away her privileges. Get a backbone and a resolve to face your mother and end your nagging problem OR either shut up and suffer the rest of her life. You have a self inflicted wound that YOU and only YOU can solve. Stop whining and start acting..make this day the best day of your life. VOLTAIRE
TOLANDA HUFF
36
Atlanta, GA - MAJIC 107.5 FM
Tell your mom how you feel. So that she can have a chance to make corrections before you ask her to leave. I am passive just like you. The people that hurt us does not know because we act like their behavior is cool so they continue to take us for granted. Once you tell her your expectations if she cant do it then you have to show her tough love. Holding resentment in your heart strains the heart adding unnecessary stress.
Peace be unto to you.
mzpattymelt
44
Birmingham, AL - WUHT 107.7 FM
WHAT THE HECK? IF IT WERE THE OTHER WAY AROUND MAMA WOULD HAVE KICKED YOUR TRIFLING -- FREELOADING BEHIND OUT HER HOUSE! APPARENTLY, THE EX HUSBAND HAVE KNOCKED COUPLE OF SCREWS LOOSE AND YOU ALLOWING HER TO CONTINUOUSLY PLAY THE HELPLESS MOMMA CARD. SIT HER DOWN TELL HER TO CALL BEFORE SHE COMES TO YOUR HOUSE GET YOUR KEY FROM HER IS SHE HAS ONE -- NO BETTER YET YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR LOCKS. TELL HER SHE IS INVADING YOUR PRIVACY, DISRESPECTING YOUR HOUSE AND TAKING YOUR LOVE FOR GRANTED AND LET THE 'CHIPS' FALL WHERE THEY MAY!!! YOU BOTH DON'T OWE EACH OTHER ANYTHING BUT SOME DARN RESPECT. GET A BACKBONE YOU AIN'T NO LITTLE GIRL NO MO AND SHE AIN'T THE HELPLESS MOTHER YOU PAINTING HER TO BE!!! SHE'S A USER AND NO ONE CAN USE YOU UNLESS YOU LET THEM!!!
wanda
52
Charlotte, NC - WBAV 101.9 FM
BABY I knmow this is your mother but people only treat you the way you let them is she isn't sick and can take care of herself than you will have to lay down some rules and abide by them.
Kisla
51
Chicago, IL - WVAZ 102.7 FM
I'm sorry but mama got to go! See you ma, love you! (((Hugs)))
Tammy B
42
Columbia, SC - WWDM 101.3 FM
Good morning everyone! To the LW...I feel your plight. My parents were married for over 30 years. My father was extremely abusive and I begged my mother to leave him when I was in elementary, I'm 42 now. I went to college to get away from the madness but returned home after graduation.
I moved away three years later with my 1 year old but my mom and sister followed me, trying to get away from my father. I left to in the first place to my insanity but she followed me. Why didn't she leave him when I was much younger? My mother suffocated me for years. I had to think and do for my one year old, my mother, my sister and myself. That wasn't living. It's been 15 years but one thing for sure, we lived together for two years and that was two years too long.
You love your mother but your mother or your family will use you as well she. She's free now, she feels you owe her because she gave you life but yoy didn't ask for that favor. You can honor and respect your mother but frim a distance. She has to go. Don't let anyone dictate your future or ruin your life. Not even a family member.
Help her find lodging but not on your dime. Apply for Medicaid some State assistance. If she can party and leave for days than she has a place to lay her head. shes not alone ans have friends. She's grown and can take care of herself. She's using you trying to relive her youth but she needs to act her age and be respectful and responsible. Get her OUT of your place before she allows others into your place. Don't allow anyone to bring negativity into your domain, your world.
Tell her your plan, pray about it but ACT now before your life is affected even more. God bless.
WINTER
39
Columbia, SC - WWDM 101.3 FM
YOU CAN LOVE AND RESPECT YOUR MOM WITHOUT BEING USED. JUST REMEMBER YOU CAN NOT NEGLECT YOUR FAMILY AND KIDS TO HELP OTHERS.
Anita
53
Dallas, TX - KRNB 105.7 FM
Just let her go her on way, you are being used by your own mother & she should be a shame of herself. You might just have to cut all ties with her. That's so sad, if she can take time and go out all the time she can find time to help you out she should want to do more for her on self being a grown woman.
lyvone wallace
56
Greenville, NC - WQSL 92.3 FM
Best BBQ in the world is Grady's BBQ in Dudley, N.C. My cousin Gerald and husband Steve on it. They made front cover of USA Newspaper. You should try some Steve.
Selina Herrin
40
Jackson, MS - WAGR Classic 102 FM
Just feeling blessed this morning!
Nirobi Geenya
32
Killeen, TX - KIIZ 92.3 FM
Good Morning, put her butt out. If it was you she would make you a women. Well, tonight is her night.
Monique
29
Lafayette, LA - KNEK 104.7 FM
I think its time for you to put your foot down and stop used the excuse about your step father cause she no longer in that relationship with him. She need to try to better her life instead of dwelling on the past. If she want to stay in the past then she can be in the past by herself.
brianda oneal
27
Lexington, KY - WBTF 107.9 FM
I understand that you have been dealing with your mother but everyone has a breaking point tell her she has to go tell her you still love her but you have enough is enough.
Kevyn Wooden
31
Listen Online
Tell your mom she can no longer use your car. If she is going to live under your roof, then it's YOUR rules! She'll get upset and move into the apt you have for her more than likely.
bjh
49
Listen Online
LW is nice that you have volunteered to help your mother when she needed help. You say your mother doesn't help you with the bills, but you didn't say if she has an income. If she's working, how is she getting to work? As for your car, that an easy one. She can't drive your car without the keys. When she asked to use it, make up your own excuse and leave with the car. Stop paying for an furnished apartment that no one is living in. Don't let this washing clothes become an issue. Her homeless friend needs help and she nice enough to provide it. Plus, that's what washing machines are for -- to wash clothes!!! Keep talking to her about the bills if she has the ability to help. If that doesn't change and you still have the apartment---Tell her she's moving over there and that's the only option. Take her stuff over there when she's out and when she comes back to your home, take her to her new home, give her the keys, and leave. Tell her you'll continue to help her if she excepts what you can provide. Apartment, SOME rides for a long as you can. Then she'll need to pick up the slack or except what you can give. Other than that, ASSISTED living is her next option.
StanJ
48
Listen Online
Being an "Enabler" is not "honoring" your mother, it is dishonoring her and causing you a lot of pain. You need to get a plan to get mother from your place and out on her own. Your relation as it currently stand is not healthy and if it continues status-quo, it will only result in bitterness and resentment on your part and continuing "taker" on her part.
Cheri
48
Listen Online
Dear caring daughter. I was in a similar situation, not as long of a time frame as you though. Tough Love is the best love sometimes and being an enabler is the wrong thing to be. It hurt me to do what I did but I saw as long as I was there the way I was she would not change. it's been 10 years since she's gone home with the Lord. But when my mom came home and her bags were packed sitting by the door it was like a scared straight moment for her. She was angry and hurt but she found a place in 3 days went to rehab and when she passed away she had 13 years clean and was the mother I was use to having. Sometimes we have to do things that hurt us the most to get the best results. Good luck to you. God bless.
Shilo2
48
Los Angeles, CA - KJLH 102.3 FM
Dear Writer, Your Mother is using you. I would pull her to the side and explain to her exactly how I feel. Advise her to take on a part time job, and to take the "Homeless Cat" and go live in that apartment that you got for her. There is no excuse, Explain to her in a gentle way, because we love our Mothers and I know exactly how to feel. My mom does a lot of things to get up under my skin. It makes me angry, but I just "Shine it On." Good Luck with you Situation.
Chi in LA
40
Los Angeles, CA - KJLH 102.3 FM
Momma would have to go, period point blank. Baby bye!
GLORY
45
Memphis, TN - WRBO 103.5
try to encourage her and tell her you know she can do better to help you with the bills.
Shynell
43
New Orleans, LA - WQUE 93.3 FM
Kick her out!! Do not buy her a car. It is time we stop accepting the "new" script. Parents make poor choices, children pick up the slack.
As I see it, you are enabling her. She is still making poor choices. You are feeling sorry for her because of the relationship she had with your stepdad. Well, guess what your new "stepdad" is going to be a homeless man ... and you will be taking care of him too. Your mother did not learn a lesson because she did not have too ... follow your brother. Tell her it is time to go.
back in the day, our grandparents did everything humanly possible to remain independent, these babyboomers are something else. I stopped this mess with my mom in 2008. Guess what, she is still alive and living in the same house she could never afford the rent to, SMH!!
WSC
53
New Orleans, LA - WQUE 93.3 FM
Good Morning, Steve and Shirley. To the caring daughter, I think you should cook your Mom a nice meal and have a long talk with her. How would she feel if you were in her house not doing anything nor helping her with the bills at your age? You've help her in so many ways already and I know you don't want to hurt her. But something has to give so you can raise your children. NOT GOOD MOM, what's up with that!!! Its been a long time and sound like (STELLA) is trying to get her GROOVE back at your expense!! She has an apartment, so its not like she doesn't have a place to go. Sad to say but she's using you!! Honor her with that meal and continue to love and support her, but not in your house. THEN take your car keys, house keys and PRAY for your 60 year old MOM. Tell her nicely that she has an apartment and that she don't have to go there but she has to get the HELLO out of your HOUSE so you can raise your children. Sound like MOM's in good health running the streets at her age. You go MOM!!! Give your caring daughter a break. Now, Mom you know you wouldn't have that going on in your house. Mom, show your LOVE. Just saying!!! Hope it works out for you, Caring Daughter!!
HUH?
41
New York, NY - WBLS 107.5 FM
You are a MAMA'S Girl, plain and simple. You already know why your brother stays away from her. She (your mama) knows exactly what she is doing. How stupid do you want us to think you are? If she has nothing and no resources, then where is she going for days at a time with your car? Your STEP FATHER may have had his reasons for the way he acted towards her. At any rate, stop acting like a victim, give her a serious time frame 30-60 days to get her crap together or put her is a shelter and watch how she survives. Your last option is to continue to have things stay the same, and to continue to whine and complain. As long as you JUST WHINE AND COMPLAIN, MAMA is not going anywhere, but you already know that. I do not give a woman who gave birth CARTE BLANCHE just because her womb works. Being a Mother or a FATHER is more than your BIOLOGICAL ORGANS. You already know all this lady so what are you going to do? Peace
Fee
46
New York, NY - WBLS 107.5 FM
This mother is just plain old trifling, ghetto & doesn't want to take responsibility for her own grown ass life. GOD BLESS her daughter for tolerating her mother's nonsense for nine years! You see why the son has nothing to do with her. How selfish of the mother to have an apartment paid for by the daughter & not stay in there! Selfish & ungrateful. It's about being ACCOUNTABLE for your actions!
althea sykes.
62
New York, NY - WBLS 107.5 FM
this is easy. take your car keys,send her packing to her own apt.and change your locks. but most of all let her know the gravy train has stop. stand your ground.
Lynn
57
New York, NY - WBLS 107.5 FM
Dear Loving Daughter:
It is time to let go and let God. Loving your mother doesn't mean being used by your mother. God helps those who help themselves. Tell mom it is time for her to stay at her apartment permanently. Tell her you love her and respect her, but you need your own space as does she. 60 is not that old. Doe she work. If so help her figure out how to save for her own car. If she doesn't work tell her you will help her find resources so she can get a job or some training. Just because someone gave birth to you is no reason to be obliged to them for your entire life. If she is a user, then you may have to love her from afar-at least for a while. Mom needs to learn to stand on her own two feet.
one111
50
New York, NY - WBLS 107.5 FM
Your mother is 60 and believe it or not she's still young enough to fend for herself so pull back and let her pay her own way. Stop letting her use you, she's a freeloader and you don't owe her nothing at the age she's in. She's not elderly and not your child. So why keep treating her as a dependent if it frustrates you to do so? She's probably got cash saved up so let her go use it. She'll be alright on her own and throw away the keys. Cars and all.
Bruce
50
Norfolk, VA - WVKL 95.7 FM
Time for MAMA to move on and out of your house. Just because she is your mother doesn't mean your her SLAVE for life. She needs to stay in that apartment you furnished for her. Stop giving her your car, stop being a doormat. Good Luck.
MojoSkip
54
Norfolk, VA - WVKL 95.7 FM
Even though this is your Mom, it's STILL "Your House, Your Rules". If she can't comply with the rules of your home, she needs to leave.
You are not dishonoring her by both saying AND enforcing this. Since you've set her up with an apartment of her own, so you're not dishonoring her. Take both your house and car keys back and change the locks of your home if you must. Sounds like she's 60 going on 18.
JMA
44
Philadelphia, PA - WDAS 105.3 FM
Mother must go. Perhaps you should look into getting your mother housing, we had the same problem years ago, my mother was an alcoholic, after she recovered she needed a place to stay. She stayed with each of us (three daughters) until her housing came through and she has been living on her own since, its been 10+ years. It took about four years before her housing came through.
Dana
34
Philadelphia, PA - WDAS 105.3 FM
I know you feel obligated to help your mother simply because she is your mother, but you are not helping her; you're enabling her to do and be nothing. Let her go just as parents let us go when we become of age. The fact that she isn't compelled to help you because of your generosity towards her is reason enough to end it. She can only do what you allow her to and sadly enough, family will sometimes take more advantage of us than common acquaintances would.
Rhonda
43
Philadelphia, PA - WDAS 105.3 FM
It's ok - to use tuff luv on your mamma. Sounds like she's been in a comfort zone for to long. It's time to break that habit, make her uncomfortable and change those locks then she won't have a choice but to go back to her house. My kids use tuff luv on me all the time. I'm not mad. I'm glad it pointed out some things that I couldn't see.
Felicia Brown
53
San Francisco, CA - KBLX- 102.9 FM
Kick mom to the curb . She's a fricken bater.
Marilyn Kately
47
San Francisco, CA - KBLX- 102.9 FM
Love the show ...
Thelma Seals
51
Tallahassee, FL - WWLD 102.3 FM
Well caring daughter you have done what the word of God said. What I would do is The apartment that you have for your mom, I would take everything that she own from your house and put it in the apartment. That including her also, sometime there are something call tough love and this is one of the time. Tell mom I Love you, but it really time for you to leave and insist on it, don't except no excuse. Just tell I understanding but it going to be alright, but it time for her to go. She maybe mad but she will get over it. She will thank you later on. Tell God to help you to be firm with your mother cause it want be easily but it something needs to be done.
miss monique
46
Tampa, FL - WBTP 95.7 FM
Sister you can still honor your mother by telling her no sometimes. your mom is just like everyone else, you have to teach her how to treat you. If you stop letting her use your car so much, then she might start to act right. maybe you can sit down and have a conversation with her and tell her what's bothering you.
Washington's Finest
42
Washington DC - WHUR 96.3 FM
Go to an auto auction (research reputal ones in your area on the internet) and buy her a nice used vehicle (ask your brother to help you and not her) and say goodbye to her but before she leaves tell her you love her. If not get ready to move the homeless man in your house because she will invite him in and then you have a REAL!!! problem. They will never leave and you will have two people using you.
SHORTYWOMAN
47
Washington DC - WHUR 96.3 FM
Yes, she needs a 30-day notice that she must begin to make her own way. She is taking true advantage of your kindness. Let her know its time to get it together. You love her but she must leave your residence and establish her own life so you can continue to live yours.
Mattie
50
Washington DC - WHUR 96.3 FM
Let go and let God.
Robyn
52
Washington DC - WHUR 96.3 FM
Yes we are suppose to honor our parents. Some people we have to let go and allow them to change. You can honor her in various way but not to stress yourself out.
I feel you, it will get better. Stop being a caretaker.
Jazz
53
Washington DC - WHUR 96.3 FM
Your house, your rules. Yes, we should honor our parents, but if she is disrespecting you then telling her she has to go is not dishonoring her. Best of luck to you.
